A Dream

Just before I woke up this morning I had a dream about Jacob. He was a teenager driving his own car and working a job to earn money for gas. In my dream I wanted to see him and spend time with him but he was gone. He always seemed to be working and there were few opportunities to be together, it made me so sad. Then I woke up.

I laid there for a moment thinking about my dream, happy to be back in reality. But sad at the realization that not long from now summer vacations aren't going to be like they are now. Soon he'll be off mowing lawns or working a job and so will his brothers. They might not always be home at the same time, might not always get the same days off. Like an eclipse our schedules may rarely align allowing us all to be together at the same time.

I feel like I'm starting to get old. Not in the sense that I'm aging (even though I am) but that I'm moving into a different phase of my life. I'm not having babies anymore. My kids are growing up, and it's happening much, much faster than I thought it ever would. Last weekend we attended my nephew's graduation and I started getting choked up as they played the procession and all the graduates filed in. I thought about him being a little boy running around with his brother at our wedding reception. How quickly he seemed to transform into this young man who'll be living in his own apartment and taking college classes this fall. It made me think of my own little boys and how they're older than he was when I first met him. Right now Jacob is almost half way through his time at home. In 9 more years he'll be the one in his cap and gown and we'll soon be saying goodbye to his yesterday's at home.

There are a lot of babies being born in my circle of friends lately. Some of them are younger mothers some of them are older but at a girls night this week three of these mothers brought their infants (all less than a month old). It isn't until you're around a newborn and hear those little sucking sounds as they're nursing, or see the quiver of their little lips as they cry with gas pains that I get glimpses from those earlier days and realize that almost as one hardly notices how spring suddenly grew into summer, I have now entered a new season of my life. I'm not the "new mom" anymore or even the "Mom with pre-schoolers". It doesn't seem like long ago that I was looking to the moms with school age-kids and I saw them in a different way because "they had older kids and were more experienced."

That's me now. Almost all of my kids are in school. Next year I'll only have 1 at home. I'm not pregnant, I'm not having new babies and what's more I don't plan on having any more babies. It's strange how that happens. It's strange how a season of your life that for years was all about nursing, and changing diapers, spoon feeding little ones in high chairs, bouncing babies in the the back of the chapel at church and hauling that stinking infant car carrier on your arm like a darn purse has slowly but surely melted away into what it is today.

Today, as I sat with all the kids on the couch, excitedly showing them the latest books I picked up from the library, I felt so happy that we were all there together. And as we read "The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig," laughing at the pictures, trying to guess the ending, I felt happy that when it was done they all hung around for more. I just know that it won't be long when Jacob and then Joseph will start to lose interest in picture books and these moments of togetherness will slip into my pasts, just as those days of nap times, Blues Clues, Wednesday playgroups, and Toddler Storytime at the Library have slipped away into my past.

As I've reflected upon this dream, I'm reminded of an embroidered poem I once saw hanging on the wall of a messy home where I babysat as a teenager . It has stayed with me for years and I'm often reminded of it. When the first line comes to my mind I feel the guilt rush in and I know I need to be better and heed it's message....

The cooking and cleaning can wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
I hope that my child looking back on today
Will remember a mother who had time to play;
Because children grow up while you're not looking,
There are years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So, quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

If I choose to I can spend all day tomorrow enjoying the kids. Jumping on the trampoline, pushing them on the swings, playing soccer in the front yard, fishing in the pond, catching frogs, exploring in the woods walking down to the beach and building driftwood forts. I can spend all day doing whatever I want. Because today they aren't going anywhere. They don't have to go to work, or spend the day up in their room studying for a test or reading a book for English. They don't have mounds of homework that keep them up later than I can wait and they won't be leaving for seminary at the crack of dawn. They won't have their heart in another place, preparing for a date, distracted by some lovely young lady.

Right now their time is mine. And though they can and often do drive me crazy with their bickering and mischief they are still my precious children that I love with all my heart. Sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't drive me as crazy if I'd just loosen up and take more time to have fun and enjoy them instead of letting myself get so stressed out about the house and the messes and all that I need to get done. What is wrong with me? Why am I so obsessive about cleaning? It's so hard for me to leave a mess and do something/ anything until I get it all cleaned up. Even when I do take time and spend it with the kids it's rarely without that nagging ticker in the back of my head thinking about how much time I can allot to sit and read some stories or play with Play-Doh, a game of chess, a tea party or color a picture. Why can't I just relax???
I get so frustrated with myself. I really need to be better at stopping and enjoying these moments.

Maybe that dream came to me for a reason. If it does come true (as I'm sure one day it will) the only thing that is going to comfort me as I'm missing my kids is to know that I enjoyed them while I could. Right now I know that I am not doing this and it fills me with guilt and pain when I think of the missed opportunities I'm leaving for my future self.

Today was the last day of school and the first day of summer break. I'm going to make more of an effort to be better in this area and try a little harder to catch up on preserving some memories (back blogging) and enjoy the experience of making even more whether I get to writing them down or not, I know they'll at least help me sleep better at night.