Imagine a certain 7 year old boy (almost 8) yelling these phrases at you as he storms upstairs to his room after being asked to get his pajamas on 5 times (within a 5 minute time frame). Let the record show that the first 2 times were asked nicely, the third with frustration, the 4th or 5th time I totally lost it yelling at him like some crazy lady. Now, be sure to picture him saying these things with a great deal of emotion in his voice and tears streaming down his face.
"You hate me!"
"I feel like I want to run away!"
"Just kill me, kill me please!"
"I want a different family!"
"Just sell me, put a 'For Sale' sign on me!"
Okay, so tonight he didn't use all of these phrases. He actually used the 3rd, but I guarantee if I'd been recording him today you'd have heard at least 2 of the other ones too.
The above phrases have become Josephs fallback lines anytime he is scolded, corrected, reprimanded or "unfairly punished."
Tonight when I tucked him in bed he rolled away from me as I leaned in to kiss him goodnight.
Inside I silently groaned, frustrated that suddenly I'm the bad guy because I yelled at him instead of him having a single rational thought like, "Maybe if I had gotten my pajamas on the first or even second or third time she asked I wouldn't have been yelled at."
I'm not justifying my behavior, I know I shouldn't have yelled. Maybe if I was a better person I could handle the amount of annoying things he does in a 24 hour span and always keep my cool, always be patient, and never be irritated. But I'm not and I can't.
Aaron's at basketball right now so unfortunately I have no one to vent to. I'll probably end up deleting this post anyway so what the heck, I'm going to say it like it is....
He is the center of almost all fights/contention in our home. He has to be asked multiple times to do things, all the time. He is annoying like you would not believe. He cuts his siblings off verbally with comments that he knows will irritate them or make them mad. He intentionally torments and teases his younger siblings almost as if he takes pleasure in it. He takes FOREVER to do things......I could add more to this list but that's the gist of it.
Right now I'm feeling two things. Anger and sadness.
I'm sad because when he uses his "fallback phrases" it reminds me of my own childhood and how I similarly felt like no one loved me and I wanted to run away. I seriously thought about it a few times. When I think about him feeling this way too (which he genuinely does- he is not manipulating me) it makes me so sad.
I feel angry because he's so irrational in his thinking that he fails to make the connection that his choices and his behavior are what's leading him to being scolded, reprimanded, corrected or punished. I am not picking on him, I am not a mean Mom, and I do not love his brothers more than him. Yes, sometimes I yell at him, sometimes I lose my temper with him. I'm not proud of that. It makes me angry that I can't keep it together all the time. But seriously for him to use his fallback phrases and say those things when I do slip up? It's just not fair.
He has no idea how annoying he is and how hard I try. How much I've improved with biting my tongue and letting things go...
But it doesn't matter. None of it matters because he's genuinely hurt and in his little boy head I am picking on him, I am a mean Mom and I don't love him.
That is the worst part about all of this: He doesn't feel like I love him. It doesn't matter that I do love him or how many tender moments we can share or all the nice, sweet things I say and do for him. In his mind, I don't love him.
I'm reading a book right now because of him, it's entitled: How to really love your Child. It talks about kids who are loved not feeling that they are loved and how parents can better show their children their love.
I'm hoping it will help.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
5 comments:
I am sorry you are experiencing this hard time. I need to read parenting books too every once in a while to get some new ideas/perspectives. I wish I had some good advise for you. You truly are a wonderful mother. I know he will appreciate his childhood when he is older. :)
That sounds so rough, Andria. I'm sorry. :(
I'm sorry Andrea. I hope things start getting better soon! When you felt that way as a child, what did you want or desire most? Maybe that will help him. Good luck. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
I'm sorry Andria! It is so frustrating, isn't it? I think those feelings of being unloved are in-the-moment feelings and pass quickly. I'm not sure they mean it as an overall feeling. I hate hearing it from my kids too. I try to tell them I love them and explain what I'm doing and why(even in a frustrated voice. Even if they don't feel it then, at least it is a reassurance from me and food for thought as they go to sleep. I don't know, maybe it's not helpful! You're doing a great job as a mom! Don't forget that, especially when they are having a hard time. I think ultimately they know you love them they just aren't happy with their current situation. Good luck! That's a hard one that I'm still working on too!
Hey Andria, thanks for your kind words on my blog, I really appreciate it. I just have to say, that through your blog post even though you are going through such a hard time, and i am so sorry for that it brought me comfort. Mostly in the fact that you were so open and honest about your struggles, and you certainly aren't alone. I for see this a lot with Brooks. I love him to death but he is really really hard for me. I know that deep down joseph knows that you love him, there is no doubt in my mind. You are one of the most amazing mothers I have ever met and all of your children are SOOO lucky to have you. He will gain perspective with age, and especially when one day he has his own joseph to struggle with. hang in there, I would like to say it will get easier, but I don't think it will, not for me anyways :)! love shannon
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