There's been a lot of fighting around here lately.
Unnecessary, petty bickering that starts at the breakfast table and doesn't end even when the lights are out and they're supposed to be going to sleep.
I think I've been putting up with it for so long now that I don't even notice it anymore. It's kind of like that canary my Mom brought home when I was a kid. The first few weeks that bird sang so much my brother and I thought we'd go crazy. We couldn't even watch Duck Tales or Rescue Rangers without sitting right in front of the TV with the volume turned way up.
The funny thing about that canary is after a while he didn't seem to sing as much or as loud. Then one day I had a friend over and she kept commenting on how loud our canary was....I had become so used to it that I had tuned it out.
I think that's what's happened with me and the boys fighting.
Last week I was at my uncle's house for 5 wonderfully quiet, peaceful days. When I came home on Saturday it was like being thrown into a house full of loud, singing canaries.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't even really miss the kids. Or maybe I should say that I didn't miss their fighting. It was so nice to have a break away from it all.
This week for FHE I was doing the lesson on the Good Samaritan hoping that I could help my children to see that Jesus's instruction to be kind and loving to others also includes members of your family.
It wasn't that great of a lesson and the kids were bickering about something during the puzzle activity I gave them at the end.
As I was wrapping things up and trying to bear my testimony I lost it. I totally started crying.
I told them how much it hurts me to see them fighting with each other. That when I was a little girl dreaming about my future home and family this was not what I had imagined. I just wanted them to love each other and get along.
It got really quiet. I thought for a moment that maybe mom crying was a good thing. But it was a short lived hope. Minutes later they started fighting again while they brushed their teeth for bed.
The next day Aaron and I were driving back from an appointment when I had a passing thought that I shared with him...
"What do you think about moving Jacob out of the boys room and letting him have his own room?"
We had discussed this a couple years ago but ultimately agreed that they needed to learn to work things out. We'd also thought that things would get better as they got older but the test of time was showing us that it wasn't getting any better it was only getting worse.
So on our way home we stopped at Target and bought some things to get Jacob set up in the spare room which would now be his room.
The greatest friction in our household lies between Jacob and Joseph, they're like oil and water. Jacob is very mature, responsible and orderly and Joseph is, well....quite the opposite. Joseph is always telling Jacob to stop acting like a grownup. And Jacob is always telling Joseph to just grow up. Benjamin takes his turn fighting with them both but the worst of it is between these two.
So last night we made the announcement, moved his things, and for the first time Jacob slept in his own bed in his own room.
And with this move I've had to say goodbye to the dream of having my 3 sons grow up sharing a bedroom creating fond memories of staying up late telling funny stories, talking about their crushes, building those brotherly bonds. It makes me a little sad to say goodbye to what I had built up in my mind as being such a special thing. I've traded that dream with the hope that my dream of living in a home filled with more love and harmony, and less fighting and bickering will be closer to my reality.
I know this is not a solution but I think that the less interaction they have the less conflict there will inevitably be.
If anyone has something they've done that has helped reduce the fighting and fostered more love between their children please let me know. I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who have boys.
5 comments:
Andria, my sister and I are not close. I think a big part of that is that, although she is the one who introduced me to the Church/gospel, she left the Church shortly after I was baptized. We have had very little in common for most of our lives. We shared a room until she was 11 and I was nine. We didn't fight all the time, but we really were much happier in our own rooms. We pretty much just left each other alone. I totally understand your dream of wanting your boys to be close. I have the same hope for my girls, but I think you are making the right decision for the present.
I think you are making a good decision too. You can't force your kids to get a long and as you said, they are like oil and water. Perhaps with a physical separation they will have a chance to choose to spend time together. Also, I remember fighting with my siblings as a kid and I get along really well with them now. I know that's not what parents dream about for the present but when the kids are grown and enjoying each other's company, it will be satisfying then. We go through fighting phases too. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to teach them to love each other. I've tried having them write or say 3-5 nice things about each other when they say unkind things. I've tried having them do service for each other, specifically related to an unkind incident. I think it is just a life long process for kids to learn how to get along with others, especially their family. It sounds like you are doing a great job teaching them. Eventually they'll take more and more responsibility for applying what you've taught.
I know this is off topic, but you're a really good writer, Andria. I love how you express yourself.
I'm sorry about all the bickering! I think it's completely normal and I think it's smart and wise to at least try out separating them. Hugs. :)
I think you are making the right decision. It might make them closer! :) I think Joseph will get some good experiences as the older sibling now that he is the oldest in that room. Maybe that's what he needs. Hang in there. We definitely need a girls night around here too! :)
Pam-That makes me so sad about you and your sister. ): But I guess in the end they will have to choose to be friends and only time will tell what the future holds. Thanks also for your vote of confidence, that means a lot to me coming from you.
Mary-Thanks for the good tips and for the support. I try to remind myself that I fought with my siblings too and now we get along fine as adults. (Actually by the time we were in middle school/high school we were best friends).
Marie-You are very sweet to say that. I feel frustrated sometimes when my posts get so long even when I'm trying to keep it short. Thanks for the compliment though. (:
Jennifer-Thanks for the supportive words, and what a great thought about giving Joseph the opportunity to be the older brother. I hadn't thought of that.
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