This letter was taped to my door tonight. It's from Jacob in regard to his brother. In case you can't read it I will rewrite it here:
Dear Mom,
Why won't you let me beat up Joseph? Push-ups are way too easy now that we're older. Besides when you give him the punishment he doesn't get the idea to stop. But when you let me get him he learns to be afraid of me and to actually stop. It's your choice if you want fighting to stop. My ways best.
Love, Jacob
Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly refereeing these two boys trying to keep the peace in our home. Joseph loves to aggravate and irritate Jacob and usually Jacob is very good about controlling his anger but sometimes he loses it and will take off after his brother with me intervening before any harm is done. Aaron suggested recently that I should let Jacob beat him up one time so that Joseph would learn to respect his older brother and stop "provoking him to wrath." So recently, I decided to give this method a try. One evening after repeated provoking I didn't intervene when Jacob lost his temper and chased after his brother. It wasn't long before he caught up to him, pinned him down and started punching him in the back and face while Joseph yelled out for me to "call him off."
Reluctantly, I held back trying not to intervene. I felt unsure about this new approach but I was at my wits end. I let him continue for no more than a minute or two until I saw a pool of blood spilling out of his nose onto the hardwood floor. I told Jacob to stop and came running to Joseph's rescue. There was so much blood I started shaking and crying as we cleaned it up. "What have I done, " I thought.
I can't handle that approach so I guess I'll just go back to my previous approach of trying to teach Joseph to stop provoking his brother and teach Jacob patience and longsuffering. Jacob is right though, giving his brother push-ups for bad behavior is not leading to any less fighting in our home and I'm still left wondering what to do.
Suggestions anyone?
5 comments:
I have made Judy write sentences when she's mean to her sisters. I don't really believe the repetetive writing is all that beneficial, but by the time she is finished, she has usually calmed down and forgotten about what was bothering her.
Do you guys get the kids alone once in a while for one on one time? I could be way off, but do you think he is trying to get attention? I am sorry Andria, you are in a tough place. It sounds very hard for everyone involved. Sometimes I watch Supernanny when I feel like my kids are out of control. The kids on that show are always WAY crazier than mine, and it makes me feel better. I wish I could be of more help.
That's a good point Jennifer...Aaron gets more 1 on 1 time with the kids than I do. I need to be better about scheduling that time with them too. I think you're right, that would make a difference. The parenting book I'm reading right now is starting to talk about children's emotional tanks and how they act up when their tank is low. I'm starting to think that Joseph has a much larger emotional tank than my other children and I need to start working harder to fill his. I'm trying to apply the things I'm learning in this book because I think this book has Joseph written all over it.
Let me know if I can watch the other kids while you do that. I would love my kids to play with yours! Anytime, just let me know!
Hmmmm. . .that is a tough spot! On the one hand, kids learn boundaries from each other, like the resulting beating after provocation. However, I'm with you, I don't think I could knowingly allow that to happen and feel good about it. Sometimes I get the idea to require the offending child to do service for the offended child or to make him/her work some big chores as a consequence. Elise bugs Abe quietly so it is hard to catch her until Abe has lashed out at her. I don't know why siblings do that to each other. I know I purposefully aggravated my little brother quietly until he screamed. I don't know why I did that. Maybe they just want attention from that sibling and don't know how to get it in a positive way. Good luck! Definitely a situation worth praying about.
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