A Good Day....Finally

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. The kids have been acting up (JoJo shattered our antique glass bathroom door Monday because he "got mad" and slammed it so hard it swung back against the wall and hit the towel rack) and I have been FAR from the patient and loving mother that I want to be. It's so hard sometimes being a mom. Everyday I get up and really try to be a good mom, I pray that I'll have patience with the kids and be the kind of mom I WANT to be instead of that crazy, stressed out lady who would yell at a 3 year old for wetting his pants for the third time in one day. (It is seriously embarrassing when I think about how I have reacted to some things.)

It used to be that most of the time I felt good about myself as a mother and every now and then I'd have a bad day where I felt like I failed. Lately it seems like the other way around and day after day I go to bed at night frustrated and sometimes crying because I failed AGAIN. There's a song by Carrie Underwood called "Jesus take the wheel" that's on my ipod, I listen to it when I'm running. The chorus of that song is my life in a nutshell right now and every time I hear it I get so emotional.

"Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel."

The "road" I'm on is this crazy, chaotic life I'm now living because I had too many babies too fast (not intentionally of course but that doesn't really matter now does it).
I've learned that I am not capable of doing it on my own. I really do need the Lord's help in this. I've tried so hard to do it to the best of MY abilities and that's when I seem to fail and quietly cry myself to sleep at night wishing I was a better mom. I have good intentions , and the effort and desire are there it's just humanly (or mortally) impossible for me to handle my day without slipping up and making mistakes.

Today was a good day. It wasn't perfect, I did get angry a couple of times but I didn't lose control or my mind. And tonight I know that I will lay my head on my pillow comforted with the warmth of the spirit and a reassuring peace that the Lord is pleased. He has never let me down, when I follow Him and his promptings and "give up" my will and my ideas of how I think my day should go I am never let down. It's so hard for me to put things aside sometimes because I just want to get it all done and be the best Mom I can be but I can't be my best without Him. How long is it going to take me to learn this!
The dishes from dinner are still in the sink, there is unfolded laundry in the dryer but my children had a mother today who loved them, snuggled them, read to them, played with them and really enjoyed them. It's been too long, but at least I'm headed back in the right direction.