This morning at breakfast Lauren was ratted out by her brother. I'd just given the kids their vitamins when I overheard Joseph telling his brothers some very interesting information:
"Hey guys,.... Lauren has a collection of these up in her room." he said.
"What?" Jacob replied.
"Yeah, I was up in her room yesterday and she has a whole pile of vitamins in a basket under her vanity!"
I looked at Lauren for her response to this accusation but she'd cleverly stuffed a spoonful of oatmeal in her mouth. Perfect timing. She chewed and chewed as I patiently waited for her response. Her big eyes looked straight ahead, a guilty smile spread over her face.
Her brothers busted up with laughter.
I was trying not to laugh too.
I went up to her room to confirm the story and sure enough on the corner of her pink little vanity sat 6 partially sucked on multi-vitamins.
Busted.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
So Frustrated
Imagine a certain 7 year old boy (almost 8) yelling these phrases at you as he storms upstairs to his room after being asked to get his pajamas on 5 times (within a 5 minute time frame). Let the record show that the first 2 times were asked nicely, the third with frustration, the 4th or 5th time I totally lost it yelling at him like some crazy lady. Now, be sure to picture him saying these things with a great deal of emotion in his voice and tears streaming down his face.
"You hate me!"
"I feel like I want to run away!"
"Just kill me, kill me please!"
"I want a different family!"
"Just sell me, put a 'For Sale' sign on me!"
Okay, so tonight he didn't use all of these phrases. He actually used the 3rd, but I guarantee if I'd been recording him today you'd have heard at least 2 of the other ones too.
The above phrases have become Josephs fallback lines anytime he is scolded, corrected, reprimanded or "unfairly punished."
Tonight when I tucked him in bed he rolled away from me as I leaned in to kiss him goodnight.
Inside I silently groaned, frustrated that suddenly I'm the bad guy because I yelled at him instead of him having a single rational thought like, "Maybe if I had gotten my pajamas on the first or even second or third time she asked I wouldn't have been yelled at."
I'm not justifying my behavior, I know I shouldn't have yelled. Maybe if I was a better person I could handle the amount of annoying things he does in a 24 hour span and always keep my cool, always be patient, and never be irritated. But I'm not and I can't.
Aaron's at basketball right now so unfortunately I have no one to vent to. I'll probably end up deleting this post anyway so what the heck, I'm going to say it like it is....
He is the center of almost all fights/contention in our home. He has to be asked multiple times to do things, all the time. He is annoying like you would not believe. He cuts his siblings off verbally with comments that he knows will irritate them or make them mad. He intentionally torments and teases his younger siblings almost as if he takes pleasure in it. He takes FOREVER to do things......I could add more to this list but that's the gist of it.
Right now I'm feeling two things. Anger and sadness.
I'm sad because when he uses his "fallback phrases" it reminds me of my own childhood and how I similarly felt like no one loved me and I wanted to run away. I seriously thought about it a few times. When I think about him feeling this way too (which he genuinely does- he is not manipulating me) it makes me so sad.
I feel angry because he's so irrational in his thinking that he fails to make the connection that his choices and his behavior are what's leading him to being scolded, reprimanded, corrected or punished. I am not picking on him, I am not a mean Mom, and I do not love his brothers more than him. Yes, sometimes I yell at him, sometimes I lose my temper with him. I'm not proud of that. It makes me angry that I can't keep it together all the time. But seriously for him to use his fallback phrases and say those things when I do slip up? It's just not fair.
He has no idea how annoying he is and how hard I try. How much I've improved with biting my tongue and letting things go...
But it doesn't matter. None of it matters because he's genuinely hurt and in his little boy head I am picking on him, I am a mean Mom and I don't love him.
That is the worst part about all of this: He doesn't feel like I love him. It doesn't matter that I do love him or how many tender moments we can share or all the nice, sweet things I say and do for him. In his mind, I don't love him.
I'm reading a book right now because of him, it's entitled: How to really love your Child. It talks about kids who are loved not feeling that they are loved and how parents can better show their children their love.
I'm hoping it will help.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
"You hate me!"
"I feel like I want to run away!"
"Just kill me, kill me please!"
"I want a different family!"
"Just sell me, put a 'For Sale' sign on me!"
Okay, so tonight he didn't use all of these phrases. He actually used the 3rd, but I guarantee if I'd been recording him today you'd have heard at least 2 of the other ones too.
The above phrases have become Josephs fallback lines anytime he is scolded, corrected, reprimanded or "unfairly punished."
Tonight when I tucked him in bed he rolled away from me as I leaned in to kiss him goodnight.
Inside I silently groaned, frustrated that suddenly I'm the bad guy because I yelled at him instead of him having a single rational thought like, "Maybe if I had gotten my pajamas on the first or even second or third time she asked I wouldn't have been yelled at."
I'm not justifying my behavior, I know I shouldn't have yelled. Maybe if I was a better person I could handle the amount of annoying things he does in a 24 hour span and always keep my cool, always be patient, and never be irritated. But I'm not and I can't.
Aaron's at basketball right now so unfortunately I have no one to vent to. I'll probably end up deleting this post anyway so what the heck, I'm going to say it like it is....
He is the center of almost all fights/contention in our home. He has to be asked multiple times to do things, all the time. He is annoying like you would not believe. He cuts his siblings off verbally with comments that he knows will irritate them or make them mad. He intentionally torments and teases his younger siblings almost as if he takes pleasure in it. He takes FOREVER to do things......I could add more to this list but that's the gist of it.
Right now I'm feeling two things. Anger and sadness.
I'm sad because when he uses his "fallback phrases" it reminds me of my own childhood and how I similarly felt like no one loved me and I wanted to run away. I seriously thought about it a few times. When I think about him feeling this way too (which he genuinely does- he is not manipulating me) it makes me so sad.
I feel angry because he's so irrational in his thinking that he fails to make the connection that his choices and his behavior are what's leading him to being scolded, reprimanded, corrected or punished. I am not picking on him, I am not a mean Mom, and I do not love his brothers more than him. Yes, sometimes I yell at him, sometimes I lose my temper with him. I'm not proud of that. It makes me angry that I can't keep it together all the time. But seriously for him to use his fallback phrases and say those things when I do slip up? It's just not fair.
He has no idea how annoying he is and how hard I try. How much I've improved with biting my tongue and letting things go...
But it doesn't matter. None of it matters because he's genuinely hurt and in his little boy head I am picking on him, I am a mean Mom and I don't love him.
That is the worst part about all of this: He doesn't feel like I love him. It doesn't matter that I do love him or how many tender moments we can share or all the nice, sweet things I say and do for him. In his mind, I don't love him.
I'm reading a book right now because of him, it's entitled: How to really love your Child. It talks about kids who are loved not feeling that they are loved and how parents can better show their children their love.
I'm hoping it will help.
I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Lovers Poem
I have a wonderful friend that planned a special Valentines day gathering for all of us friends with our significant others. "A sophisticated night of Fondue and Poetry" she promised.
Everyone was asked to bring a love poem to share. One you'd written or one of your favorites. Aaron wrote me a poem that afternoon, he was was working from home. (He's not typically a poet). In fact it was his first poem ever and it was very cute.
And so, I figured I'd better write one too.
I'll share his later when I have more time to explain his innuendos. (: There were a lot of things that only I understood. I'd like to blog some of those stories at another time so we'll always remember what inspired his rhymes.
But here is the poem that I wrote for him. The picture is from one of our favorite beaches on Oahu. Makapu'u. Once Aaron wanted to go there late one night on a full moon to swim. It was this scene in my minds eye that I thought of when writing these words. Well,.... that and my husbands love....
Thanks Mary for giving me a reason to pen my feelings for him.
Your Love
Your love, like an ocean, pulled at my heart
as the tide pulls upon the shore.
Constant and steady, persistent melody,
Your love waited at my door.
A full moon, a quiet lagoon,
your waters drew me in.
I approached your shore; wanting but unsure.
I couldn’t resist diving in.
Immersed in your warmth
I swam in your waters looking up at the starry night.
You pulled me under beneath your waves,
Fear seized my unknowing heart.
I held my breath enjoying the stillness
of your underwater realm.
Swimming deeply, so peacefully,
I felt that I’d come home.
I came up for breath and gazed at the shore,
where a moment ago I’d been.
Then swam out deeper, and dove back under
holding my breath for him.
Returning to your waters, you pulled me under
and I swam in your depths again.
Only this time I chose to stay down under,
I chose to breath you in.
You filled me inside with a new kind of life,
breathing your love into me.
Drowned in the depths of your unyielding devotion
I finally began to see.
The beauty of, your tender love
within your warmest deep.
You flowed into the heart of me
and I never wanted to leave.
Your love like an ocean still pulls at my heart
as the tide pulls upon the shore.
Constant and steady a persistent melody.
I’ll be yours forever more.
-Andria Laws
2-11-11
Everyone was asked to bring a love poem to share. One you'd written or one of your favorites. Aaron wrote me a poem that afternoon, he was was working from home. (He's not typically a poet). In fact it was his first poem ever and it was very cute.
And so, I figured I'd better write one too.
I'll share his later when I have more time to explain his innuendos. (: There were a lot of things that only I understood. I'd like to blog some of those stories at another time so we'll always remember what inspired his rhymes.
But here is the poem that I wrote for him. The picture is from one of our favorite beaches on Oahu. Makapu'u. Once Aaron wanted to go there late one night on a full moon to swim. It was this scene in my minds eye that I thought of when writing these words. Well,.... that and my husbands love....
Thanks Mary for giving me a reason to pen my feelings for him.
Your Love
Your love, like an ocean, pulled at my heart
as the tide pulls upon the shore.
Constant and steady, persistent melody,
Your love waited at my door.
A full moon, a quiet lagoon,
your waters drew me in.
I approached your shore; wanting but unsure.
I couldn’t resist diving in.
Immersed in your warmth
I swam in your waters looking up at the starry night.
You pulled me under beneath your waves,
Fear seized my unknowing heart.
I held my breath enjoying the stillness
of your underwater realm.
Swimming deeply, so peacefully,
I felt that I’d come home.
I came up for breath and gazed at the shore,
where a moment ago I’d been.
Then swam out deeper, and dove back under
holding my breath for him.
Returning to your waters, you pulled me under
and I swam in your depths again.
Only this time I chose to stay down under,
I chose to breath you in.
You filled me inside with a new kind of life,
breathing your love into me.
Drowned in the depths of your unyielding devotion
I finally began to see.
The beauty of, your tender love
within your warmest deep.
You flowed into the heart of me
and I never wanted to leave.
Your love like an ocean still pulls at my heart
as the tide pulls upon the shore.
Constant and steady a persistent melody.
I’ll be yours forever more.
-Andria Laws
2-11-11
Sunday, February 6, 2011
"I Couldn't Resist my Mothers Love."
These words have been haunting me since I read them from an Ensign article last month. It was written by a man recalling his youth and the difficult struggle he had one year as he faced the decision of whether or not he would serve a mission. He didn't want to.
During the summer he'd taken a job in which he had to wake up very early. His mother, he remembered, would get up with him while the rest of his family slept. She'd cook him breakfast and sit with him at the table before he left. She would talk to him about his day, what he thought and felt about anything and everything. Through her words she'd share her testimony, nourishing him daily with her faith. She was ever loving, never judging. He felt of her love, assured that she'd love him no matter what decision he made.
By the end of the summer he had changed his mind. He wanted to serve a mission. "I couldn't resist my mothers love," he said.
I've thought about this the past few weeks, again and again.
Because I have a son that even in his tender age I worry about. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I worry over his rebellious nature and how it may manifest itself during his formative years. This story and quote has brought me great comfort through these concerns. I have since felt a greater desire to show him sweeter, more tender love.
There is nothing more powerful in this world than true, unconditional love. It's the kind of love that this mother had for her son and the kind of love that our dear Savior has for each of us. He loves us no matter what and believes in us even when we've lost hope in ourselves.
This kind of love is what I strive to give my children. I am sooooo NOT there yet. But I know that if I work toward this goal, great good will come.
And if my worst fears are realized and I have a child that loses his way. I hope that my love for him will be great enough, tender enough that he too won't be able to resist it. And with this love I will do my best to bring him back to the arms of our Saviors love where true peace and healing come.
During the summer he'd taken a job in which he had to wake up very early. His mother, he remembered, would get up with him while the rest of his family slept. She'd cook him breakfast and sit with him at the table before he left. She would talk to him about his day, what he thought and felt about anything and everything. Through her words she'd share her testimony, nourishing him daily with her faith. She was ever loving, never judging. He felt of her love, assured that she'd love him no matter what decision he made.
By the end of the summer he had changed his mind. He wanted to serve a mission. "I couldn't resist my mothers love," he said.
I've thought about this the past few weeks, again and again.
Because I have a son that even in his tender age I worry about. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I worry over his rebellious nature and how it may manifest itself during his formative years. This story and quote has brought me great comfort through these concerns. I have since felt a greater desire to show him sweeter, more tender love.
There is nothing more powerful in this world than true, unconditional love. It's the kind of love that this mother had for her son and the kind of love that our dear Savior has for each of us. He loves us no matter what and believes in us even when we've lost hope in ourselves.
This kind of love is what I strive to give my children. I am sooooo NOT there yet. But I know that if I work toward this goal, great good will come.
And if my worst fears are realized and I have a child that loses his way. I hope that my love for him will be great enough, tender enough that he too won't be able to resist it. And with this love I will do my best to bring him back to the arms of our Saviors love where true peace and healing come.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Fighting
There's been a lot of fighting around here lately.
Unnecessary, petty bickering that starts at the breakfast table and doesn't end even when the lights are out and they're supposed to be going to sleep.
I think I've been putting up with it for so long now that I don't even notice it anymore. It's kind of like that canary my Mom brought home when I was a kid. The first few weeks that bird sang so much my brother and I thought we'd go crazy. We couldn't even watch Duck Tales or Rescue Rangers without sitting right in front of the TV with the volume turned way up.
The funny thing about that canary is after a while he didn't seem to sing as much or as loud. Then one day I had a friend over and she kept commenting on how loud our canary was....I had become so used to it that I had tuned it out.
I think that's what's happened with me and the boys fighting.
Last week I was at my uncle's house for 5 wonderfully quiet, peaceful days. When I came home on Saturday it was like being thrown into a house full of loud, singing canaries.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't even really miss the kids. Or maybe I should say that I didn't miss their fighting. It was so nice to have a break away from it all.
This week for FHE I was doing the lesson on the Good Samaritan hoping that I could help my children to see that Jesus's instruction to be kind and loving to others also includes members of your family.
It wasn't that great of a lesson and the kids were bickering about something during the puzzle activity I gave them at the end.
As I was wrapping things up and trying to bear my testimony I lost it. I totally started crying.
I told them how much it hurts me to see them fighting with each other. That when I was a little girl dreaming about my future home and family this was not what I had imagined. I just wanted them to love each other and get along.
It got really quiet. I thought for a moment that maybe mom crying was a good thing. But it was a short lived hope. Minutes later they started fighting again while they brushed their teeth for bed.
The next day Aaron and I were driving back from an appointment when I had a passing thought that I shared with him...
"What do you think about moving Jacob out of the boys room and letting him have his own room?"
We had discussed this a couple years ago but ultimately agreed that they needed to learn to work things out. We'd also thought that things would get better as they got older but the test of time was showing us that it wasn't getting any better it was only getting worse.
So on our way home we stopped at Target and bought some things to get Jacob set up in the spare room which would now be his room.
The greatest friction in our household lies between Jacob and Joseph, they're like oil and water. Jacob is very mature, responsible and orderly and Joseph is, well....quite the opposite. Joseph is always telling Jacob to stop acting like a grownup. And Jacob is always telling Joseph to just grow up. Benjamin takes his turn fighting with them both but the worst of it is between these two.
So last night we made the announcement, moved his things, and for the first time Jacob slept in his own bed in his own room.
And with this move I've had to say goodbye to the dream of having my 3 sons grow up sharing a bedroom creating fond memories of staying up late telling funny stories, talking about their crushes, building those brotherly bonds. It makes me a little sad to say goodbye to what I had built up in my mind as being such a special thing. I've traded that dream with the hope that my dream of living in a home filled with more love and harmony, and less fighting and bickering will be closer to my reality.
I know this is not a solution but I think that the less interaction they have the less conflict there will inevitably be.
If anyone has something they've done that has helped reduce the fighting and fostered more love between their children please let me know. I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who have boys.
Unnecessary, petty bickering that starts at the breakfast table and doesn't end even when the lights are out and they're supposed to be going to sleep.
I think I've been putting up with it for so long now that I don't even notice it anymore. It's kind of like that canary my Mom brought home when I was a kid. The first few weeks that bird sang so much my brother and I thought we'd go crazy. We couldn't even watch Duck Tales or Rescue Rangers without sitting right in front of the TV with the volume turned way up.
The funny thing about that canary is after a while he didn't seem to sing as much or as loud. Then one day I had a friend over and she kept commenting on how loud our canary was....I had become so used to it that I had tuned it out.
I think that's what's happened with me and the boys fighting.
Last week I was at my uncle's house for 5 wonderfully quiet, peaceful days. When I came home on Saturday it was like being thrown into a house full of loud, singing canaries.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't even really miss the kids. Or maybe I should say that I didn't miss their fighting. It was so nice to have a break away from it all.
This week for FHE I was doing the lesson on the Good Samaritan hoping that I could help my children to see that Jesus's instruction to be kind and loving to others also includes members of your family.
It wasn't that great of a lesson and the kids were bickering about something during the puzzle activity I gave them at the end.
As I was wrapping things up and trying to bear my testimony I lost it. I totally started crying.
I told them how much it hurts me to see them fighting with each other. That when I was a little girl dreaming about my future home and family this was not what I had imagined. I just wanted them to love each other and get along.
It got really quiet. I thought for a moment that maybe mom crying was a good thing. But it was a short lived hope. Minutes later they started fighting again while they brushed their teeth for bed.
The next day Aaron and I were driving back from an appointment when I had a passing thought that I shared with him...
"What do you think about moving Jacob out of the boys room and letting him have his own room?"
We had discussed this a couple years ago but ultimately agreed that they needed to learn to work things out. We'd also thought that things would get better as they got older but the test of time was showing us that it wasn't getting any better it was only getting worse.
So on our way home we stopped at Target and bought some things to get Jacob set up in the spare room which would now be his room.
The greatest friction in our household lies between Jacob and Joseph, they're like oil and water. Jacob is very mature, responsible and orderly and Joseph is, well....quite the opposite. Joseph is always telling Jacob to stop acting like a grownup. And Jacob is always telling Joseph to just grow up. Benjamin takes his turn fighting with them both but the worst of it is between these two.
So last night we made the announcement, moved his things, and for the first time Jacob slept in his own bed in his own room.
And with this move I've had to say goodbye to the dream of having my 3 sons grow up sharing a bedroom creating fond memories of staying up late telling funny stories, talking about their crushes, building those brotherly bonds. It makes me a little sad to say goodbye to what I had built up in my mind as being such a special thing. I've traded that dream with the hope that my dream of living in a home filled with more love and harmony, and less fighting and bickering will be closer to my reality.
I know this is not a solution but I think that the less interaction they have the less conflict there will inevitably be.
If anyone has something they've done that has helped reduce the fighting and fostered more love between their children please let me know. I'm especially interested to hear from those of you who have boys.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
This is why I love Joseph
I found this on the floor in the office, written with a pink highlighter pen....
And last week when Aaron and I went up to bed we found this note on our pillow by the same sweet boy...
On a very regular basis Joseph says and does things that make me feel like I'm going to go insane with frustration. He can be so obnoxious, irreverent and crazy. I'm so grateful that he's also such a tender-hearted boy. The thoughtful things he says and does make me love him so much. I've been trying harder lately to overlook his quirkiness and stop letting it stress me out so much. It's obvious that my parenting won't "change" him (see the quote on the header of this blog) and I worry that the frequency of him seeing me frustrated with him could damage our relationship. It's been a challenge but I think it's important for me to work on letting these things go. Soooooo,.....here's to savoring his sweetness (like these letters) and enduring the other stuff.
And last week when Aaron and I went up to bed we found this note on our pillow by the same sweet boy...
On a very regular basis Joseph says and does things that make me feel like I'm going to go insane with frustration. He can be so obnoxious, irreverent and crazy. I'm so grateful that he's also such a tender-hearted boy. The thoughtful things he says and does make me love him so much. I've been trying harder lately to overlook his quirkiness and stop letting it stress me out so much. It's obvious that my parenting won't "change" him (see the quote on the header of this blog) and I worry that the frequency of him seeing me frustrated with him could damage our relationship. It's been a challenge but I think it's important for me to work on letting these things go. Soooooo,.....here's to savoring his sweetness (like these letters) and enduring the other stuff.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Just say you forgive me
Lauren was mad at me because I told her she had to clean her room before I'd let her watch a My Little Pony DVD. She started throwing a fit as I headed downstairs to unpack some stuff from our trip. While I was downstairs Joseph came into the bathroom informing me that Lauren (in her rage) had shattered one of the glass balls from the Christmas tree when she threw it over the banister. It was one of my favorite ornaments and I was upset, but with 3 boys I've had MANY of my things destroyed and consequently I've become numb to this sort of thing.
A few minutes later Lauren came downstairs crying. I asked her if breaking the ornament had been an accident to which she replied: "No, I did it on purpose because I was mad." I could tell that she felt bad about breaking it though. As I headed down the hall to survey the damage I told her, "I don't even know what to say to you right now I'm so upset." She followed behind me crying and in a desperate voice said, "Just say you forgive me!"
A few minutes later Lauren came downstairs crying. I asked her if breaking the ornament had been an accident to which she replied: "No, I did it on purpose because I was mad." I could tell that she felt bad about breaking it though. As I headed down the hall to survey the damage I told her, "I don't even know what to say to you right now I'm so upset." She followed behind me crying and in a desperate voice said, "Just say you forgive me!"
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